A brand new thing. That can be scary or it can be exciting. Or it could even be both, I suppose. At any rate, I've got a brand new thing going on in my life. Not only did I start law school last September but I just recently started a new job. And switched to part-time school.
My job as a judicial clerk is 40 hours a week. It means I have a salary, responsibilities, projects, and I have to report to someone else for the first time in 8 years. I thought going back to school would be a big adjustment. And it was. But I feel at home there. Like I'm right where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to do.
I do not feel that way at my job. But I do feel that God has opened the door for me to be there, that He has guided my steps to this place. I know that He equips me every day to learn, process, understand, remember, and be a blessing. I still, however, get nervous every evening thinking "I gotta go to work tomorrow". I feel like I shouldn't go anywhere or do anything because I have to make sure I'm "ready for tomorrow". This is unbalanced and nerve-wracking. Since I've been at the job for 6 weeks now, the time has come for my trainer-job partner to back off and let me do what I do. Even if that means to make mistakes.
Now we all know that I hate making mistakes and get quite upset at myself. So, in an effort to change this tendency, I have committed to going to get counseling. I've already been to two meetings with a therapist and have a 3rd scheduled in a few weeks. It's nice to be able to talk to someone in a safe environment where I don't have to hold anything back for fear of hurting someone's feelings or for fear of them gaining some sort of power of knowledge over me. I am responding well to it. I am doing it so that I can learn how to cope with anxiety, manage stress levels in myself, and deal with past trauma. I know that God has lead me to this place too, where I can relax and rejuvenate.
But I'm still dealing with the nervousness of having to get up and go to work every day. I did not feel this way about school. I was excited about it. Now I am struggling a bit with rising in the morning and having to go to school on the weekends. I am not looking forward to anything right now and that feels weird. I feel a little lost actually. I barely get to see my husband and I'm so tired from thinking so hard all day that I don't want to talk to or see anyone else. Does this mean I hate my job? Or that I want to quit school? Not at all. I'm just going to press into the Lord's peace and rest in a place of gratefulness for where He has brought me. Because I know His plans are to prosper and bless me, not to hurt me. So, I trust God. I trust Him with my mind, my emotions, my heart, my life.
And I'll be sure to encourage all of us on this blog as much as I can. Much love and many blessings to any that read this.
