A brand new thing

A brand new thing.  That can be scary or it can be exciting.  Or it could even be both, I suppose.  At any rate, I've got a brand new thing going on in my life.  Not only did I start law school last September but I just recently started a new job.  And switched to part-time school.

My job as a judicial clerk is 40 hours a week.  It means I have a salary, responsibilities, projects, and I have to report to someone else for the first time in 8 years.  I thought going back to school would be a big adjustment.  And it was.  But I feel at home there.  Like I'm right where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to do.

I do not feel that way at my job.  But I do feel that God has opened the door for me to be there, that He has guided my steps to this place.  I know that He equips me every day to learn, process, understand, remember, and be a blessing.  I still, however, get nervous every evening thinking "I gotta go to work tomorrow".  I feel like I shouldn't go anywhere or do anything because I have to make sure I'm "ready for tomorrow".  This is unbalanced and nerve-wracking.  Since I've been at the job for 6 weeks now, the time has come for my trainer-job partner to back off and let me do what I do.  Even if that means to make mistakes.

Now we all know that I hate making mistakes and get quite upset at myself.  So, in an effort to change this tendency, I have committed to going to get counseling.  I've already been to two meetings with a therapist and have a 3rd scheduled in a few weeks.  It's nice to be able to talk to someone in a safe environment where I don't have to hold anything back for fear of hurting someone's feelings or for fear of them gaining some sort of power of knowledge over me.  I am responding well to it.  I am doing it so that I can learn how to cope with anxiety, manage stress levels in myself, and deal with past trauma.  I know that God has lead me to this place too, where I can relax and rejuvenate.

But I'm still dealing with the nervousness of having to get up and go to work every day.  I did not feel this way about school.  I was excited about it.  Now I am struggling a bit with rising in the morning and having to go to school on the weekends.  I am not looking forward to anything right now and that feels weird.  I feel a little lost actually.  I barely get to see my husband and I'm so tired from thinking so hard all day that I don't want to talk to or see anyone else.  Does this mean I hate my job?  Or that I want to quit school?  Not at all.  I'm just going to press into the Lord's peace and rest in a place of gratefulness for where He has brought me.  Because I know His plans are to prosper and bless me, not to hurt me.  So, I trust God.  I trust Him with my mind, my emotions, my heart, my life.

And I'll be sure to encourage all of us on this blog as much as I can.  Much love and many blessings to any that read this.