Fragility

I've been writing my memoir in an associated blog,  www.angelsmemoirstory.blogspot.com, called "Miracles and Mishaps."  It briefly tells of my birth and childhood but mainly starts the "meat and potatoes" of my life starting from high school until present day.  I have been blessed in so many ways and am enjoying writing it out for others to see.  Even when I write about the sad and scary parts, of which there are quite a few, I feel released and healed.  It's been quite cathartic actually.

The reason I'm writing it out is to share with whomever reads it the simple fact that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.  Having been raised in the church, it would be so easy for me to reside in a spiritual bubble, watching the world pass by on the outside and waving cheerfully at those who seem to be doing well.  Or perhaps letting tears fall for those I see who are weary, limping or even crawling past, overburdened with heavy loads.  Telling them through the clear walls of my bubble, "it will be all right, keep going, it'll get better."  I could pray for them as they passed and mean it with all my heart.  And all from the safety of my spiritual bubble.

But that's not how my husband does it, not how my parents do it and that's not how I want to live.  I have traveled the world, made choices that caused me to suffer greatly, had experiences that broke my heart for myself and for others.  I've made choices that blessed me incredibly and allowed me to witness the healing of others, both physical and spiritual.   My heart aches for the children in this world who aren't loved properly, who are starving physically and spiritually.  My prayers are with those who struggle to make ends meet.  My admiration is with the one who, regardless of the circumstances, still perseveres and lifts up the Name of the Lord.

But still, I also struggle with my own nature. Quickness of temper, impatience and high expectations for myself and others.  I will be speaking to the Christian Legal Society at school this coming Tuesday and my message is about the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20).  And this week, my own armor has apparently been cracked, in ill repair and my shield is too heavy to raise.  But what does the Scripture say?

Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)

¹⁰ Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. ¹¹ Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. ¹² For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. ¹³ Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. ¹⁴ Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, ¹⁵ and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. ¹⁶ In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. ¹⁷ Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

 ¹⁸ And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people. 

Especially focusing on verse 13...put on the full armor and stand.  Don't forget any pieces of it.  It's not hard to do.  The armor is all kept in one place and each piece fits together easily.  It's not really scratched or broken.  Not cracked or in ill-repair.  Because it's built directly from the Word of God and it's made to protect me.  It's easy to put on and I can even put it on all by myself.  Not like in the medieval days when the knights had to have assistance to put it on.  Of course, my brothers and sisters in the Lord can, through their prayers and encouragement, help me put it on or to remember to pick up a piece I seem to have forgotten or misplace.  My pastor and spiritual leaders can help teach me how to put it on and keep it on.  But I'm still the one that has to suit up for the day.  I don't even say "the battle" because I don't think every day has to be a battle.

I mean if you put on your armor and walk out the door like that over and over again, the enemy might try to take shots with those fiery darts at you occasionally just to see if you really have it on properly but he will tire of it too.  Even if he doesn't tire of it, he's not creative in his attacks, there's only so many things he can try.  And try he will.  But Scripture says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7, NIV)

It's all pretty simple actually.  Once I look at the words and read them, depositing them in both my brain and my spiritual heart, I am reminded once again how simple the Lord is.  I am the one who muddies the waters and makes things more complicated.  Though the darkness crashes in and the stormy waters threaten to drown me, yet He is my refuge and strength (I'm mixing song lyrics and Psalms, but you get the idea).

What about when you have a chemical imbalance though, your own body rages against you and the darkness of depression creeps up from within and tries to hold you captive?  It's hard to be strong all the time and to fight the battle seemingly alone with no brothers/sisters standing beside you in the fight.  Yet, again looking to the Word of God, in 2 Kings 6 Elisha and all of Israel were faced with a battle they strategically could not win. They were outnumbered and seemed to be without any hope of victory.  Then Elisha told his servant,

¹⁶ “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

 ¹⁷ And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

The battle is indeed not mine even though it feels like it.  When waves of uncontrollable emotions sweep through my mind and depression threatens to drown me, sometimes I have to be reminded of this.  If there's no one around to remind me, then I write up the Scriptures that encourage me on sticky notes and put them all around the house so I'm constantly feeding His Word into my mind and my heart.

Here are some of the Scriptures I use and will be using this week.  Because I am currently in this battle.  And though I thought I was beyond all help last night, the morning has brought with it clarity and a renewed determination to rest in God's more than capable care.

New King James version

2 Timothy 1:7:   For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

John 14:13-14:  ¹³ And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. ¹⁴ If you ask^[c] anything in My name, I will do it.

John 14:27:  Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

Psalm 3:4-6:  But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head.  I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. Selah

I lay down and slept;  I awoke, for the Lord sustained me.  I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people  who have set themselves against me all around.

Psalm 4:6-8:  There are many who say,

“Who will show us any good?”
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
⁷ You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
⁸ I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.

[Actually there are tons of Psalms that are helpful, you should look some up too]

Isaiah 26:3:   You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You. 

And of course, there are many, many more but these are a few I've held on to over the past 15 years or so.  I believe God can heal me from depression but I also believe that while I'm waiting, I should use my experiences to bring freedom to both myself and others.  So, friend, know this.  You are not alone in this fight, you can be strong in the battle using God's word and when you feel weak, that's ok too because if I am making it through this, so will you.  And when I am weak, more than ever He provides my strength (He's always strong but isn't it odd how we only seem to notice that when we're at our most vulnerable?).  You can beat this.  Put on your armor, put the Scriptures before you all around wherever you live on sticky notes, find good worship CDs (Kari Jobe "Healer", Don Moen, Bob Fitz are all ones I've used) and hide yourself in the shadow of the Almighty. (Psalm 91:1)

Lord, I pray for this blogpost to reach out and touch someone who needs Your peace and the strength of Your Word right now.  Thank You, for bringing me out of the depths once again and for helping me to have self-control.  Thank You for healing me and protecting me, especially when I'm so weak.  You are strong, You are mighty and You are faithful.  I trust You to keep me in perfect peace and I ask that same peace would flow right now through the reader of this post.  I love You, Lord.  You are magnificent, gentle, loving, peaceful and holy.  I accept Your peace, Your truth and Your healing into my mind and spirit now.  In Jesus' Name, amen.

Blessings to you, friend, and may the peace of Christ rule your mind.