A brand new thing. That can be scary or it can be exciting. Or it could even be both, I suppose. At any rate, I've got a brand new thing going on in my life. Not only did I start law school last September but I just recently started a new job. And switched to part-time school.
My job as a judicial clerk is 40 hours a week. It means I have a salary, responsibilities, projects, and I have to report to someone else for the first time in 8 years. I thought going back to school would be a big adjustment. And it was. But I feel at home there. Like I'm right where I'm supposed to be and doing what I'm supposed to do.
I do not feel that way at my job. But I do feel that God has opened the door for me to be there, that He has guided my steps to this place. I know that He equips me every day to learn, process, understand, remember, and be a blessing. I still, however, get nervous every evening thinking "I gotta go to work tomorrow". I feel like I shouldn't go anywhere or do anything because I have to make sure I'm "ready for tomorrow". This is unbalanced and nerve-wracking. Since I've been at the job for 6 weeks now, the time has come for my trainer-job partner to back off and let me do what I do. Even if that means to make mistakes.
Now we all know that I hate making mistakes and get quite upset at myself. So, in an effort to change this tendency, I have committed to going to get counseling. I've already been to two meetings with a therapist and have a 3rd scheduled in a few weeks. It's nice to be able to talk to someone in a safe environment where I don't have to hold anything back for fear of hurting someone's feelings or for fear of them gaining some sort of power of knowledge over me. I am responding well to it. I am doing it so that I can learn how to cope with anxiety, manage stress levels in myself, and deal with past trauma. I know that God has lead me to this place too, where I can relax and rejuvenate.
But I'm still dealing with the nervousness of having to get up and go to work every day. I did not feel this way about school. I was excited about it. Now I am struggling a bit with rising in the morning and having to go to school on the weekends. I am not looking forward to anything right now and that feels weird. I feel a little lost actually. I barely get to see my husband and I'm so tired from thinking so hard all day that I don't want to talk to or see anyone else. Does this mean I hate my job? Or that I want to quit school? Not at all. I'm just going to press into the Lord's peace and rest in a place of gratefulness for where He has brought me. Because I know His plans are to prosper and bless me, not to hurt me. So, I trust God. I trust Him with my mind, my emotions, my heart, my life.
And I'll be sure to encourage all of us on this blog as much as I can. Much love and many blessings to any that read this.
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Fragility
I've been writing my memoir in an associated blog, www.angelsmemoirstory.blogspot.com, called "Miracles and Mishaps." It briefly tells of my birth and childhood but mainly starts the "meat and potatoes" of my life starting from high school until present day. I have been blessed in so many ways and am enjoying writing it out for others to see. Even when I write about the sad and scary parts, of which there are quite a few, I feel released and healed. It's been quite cathartic actually.
The reason I'm writing it out is to share with whomever reads it the simple fact that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Having been raised in the church, it would be so easy for me to reside in a spiritual bubble, watching the world pass by on the outside and waving cheerfully at those who seem to be doing well. Or perhaps letting tears fall for those I see who are weary, limping or even crawling past, overburdened with heavy loads. Telling them through the clear walls of my bubble, "it will be all right, keep going, it'll get better." I could pray for them as they passed and mean it with all my heart. And all from the safety of my spiritual bubble.
But that's not how my husband does it, not how my parents do it and that's not how I want to live. I have traveled the world, made choices that caused me to suffer greatly, had experiences that broke my heart for myself and for others. I've made choices that blessed me incredibly and allowed me to witness the healing of others, both physical and spiritual. My heart aches for the children in this world who aren't loved properly, who are starving physically and spiritually. My prayers are with those who struggle to make ends meet. My admiration is with the one who, regardless of the circumstances, still perseveres and lifts up the Name of the Lord.
But still, I also struggle with my own nature. Quickness of temper, impatience and high expectations for myself and others. I will be speaking to the Christian Legal Society at school this coming Tuesday and my message is about the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20). And this week, my own armor has apparently been cracked, in ill repair and my shield is too heavy to raise. But what does the Scripture say?
Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
7 You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
The reason I'm writing it out is to share with whomever reads it the simple fact that I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. Having been raised in the church, it would be so easy for me to reside in a spiritual bubble, watching the world pass by on the outside and waving cheerfully at those who seem to be doing well. Or perhaps letting tears fall for those I see who are weary, limping or even crawling past, overburdened with heavy loads. Telling them through the clear walls of my bubble, "it will be all right, keep going, it'll get better." I could pray for them as they passed and mean it with all my heart. And all from the safety of my spiritual bubble.
But that's not how my husband does it, not how my parents do it and that's not how I want to live. I have traveled the world, made choices that caused me to suffer greatly, had experiences that broke my heart for myself and for others. I've made choices that blessed me incredibly and allowed me to witness the healing of others, both physical and spiritual. My heart aches for the children in this world who aren't loved properly, who are starving physically and spiritually. My prayers are with those who struggle to make ends meet. My admiration is with the one who, regardless of the circumstances, still perseveres and lifts up the Name of the Lord.
But still, I also struggle with my own nature. Quickness of temper, impatience and high expectations for myself and others. I will be speaking to the Christian Legal Society at school this coming Tuesday and my message is about the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-20). And this week, my own armor has apparently been cracked, in ill repair and my shield is too heavy to raise. But what does the Scripture say?
Ephesians 6:10-18 (NIV)
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14 Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15 and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16 In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17 Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
18 And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.
Especially focusing on verse 13...put on the full armor and stand. Don't forget any pieces of it. It's not hard to do. The armor is all kept in one place and each piece fits together easily. It's not really scratched or broken. Not cracked or in ill-repair. Because it's built directly from the Word of God and it's made to protect me. It's easy to put on and I can even put it on all by myself. Not like in the medieval days when the knights had to have assistance to put it on. Of course, my brothers and sisters in the Lord can, through their prayers and encouragement, help me put it on or to remember to pick up a piece I seem to have forgotten or misplace. My pastor and spiritual leaders can help teach me how to put it on and keep it on. But I'm still the one that has to suit up for the day. I don't even say "the battle" because I don't think every day has to be a battle.
I mean if you put on your armor and walk out the door like that over and over again, the enemy might try to take shots with those fiery darts at you occasionally just to see if you really have it on properly but he will tire of it too. Even if he doesn't tire of it, he's not creative in his attacks, there's only so many things he can try. And try he will. But Scripture says, "Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you." (James 4:7, NIV)
It's all pretty simple actually. Once I look at the words and read them, depositing them in both my brain and my spiritual heart, I am reminded once again how simple the Lord is. I am the one who muddies the waters and makes things more complicated. Though the darkness crashes in and the stormy waters threaten to drown me, yet He is my refuge and strength (I'm mixing song lyrics and Psalms, but you get the idea).
What about when you have a chemical imbalance though, your own body rages against you and the darkness of depression creeps up from within and tries to hold you captive? It's hard to be strong all the time and to fight the battle seemingly alone with no brothers/sisters standing beside you in the fight. Yet, again looking to the Word of God, in 2 Kings 6 Elisha and all of Israel were faced with a battle they strategically could not win. They were outnumbered and seemed to be without any hope of victory. Then Elisha told his servant,
16 “Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”
17 And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, LORD, so that he may see.” Then the LORD opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.
The battle is indeed not mine even though it feels like it. When waves of uncontrollable emotions sweep through my mind and depression threatens to drown me, sometimes I have to be reminded of this. If there's no one around to remind me, then I write up the Scriptures that encourage me on sticky notes and put them all around the house so I'm constantly feeding His Word into my mind and my heart.
Here are some of the Scriptures I use and will be using this week. Because I am currently in this battle. And though I thought I was beyond all help last night, the morning has brought with it clarity and a renewed determination to rest in God's more than capable care.
New King James version
2 Timothy 1:7: For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
John 14:13-14: 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask[c] anything in My name, I will do it.
John 14:27: Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.
Psalm 3:4-6: But You, O Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up my head. I cried to the Lord with my voice, And He heard me from His holy hill. Selah
I lay down and slept; I awoke, for the Lord sustained me. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people who have set themselves against me all around.
Psalm 4:6-8: There are many who say,
“Who will show us any good?”Lord, lift up the light of Your countenance upon us.
7 You have put gladness in my heart,
More than in the season that their grain and wine increased.
8 I will both lie down in peace, and sleep;
For You alone, O Lord, make me dwell in safety.
[Actually there are tons of Psalms that are helpful, you should look some up too]
Isaiah 26:3: You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
And of course, there are many, many more but these are a few I've held on to over the past 15 years or so. I believe God can heal me from depression but I also believe that while I'm waiting, I should use my experiences to bring freedom to both myself and others. So, friend, know this. You are not alone in this fight, you can be strong in the battle using God's word and when you feel weak, that's ok too because if I am making it through this, so will you. And when I am weak, more than ever He provides my strength (He's always strong but isn't it odd how we only seem to notice that when we're at our most vulnerable?). You can beat this. Put on your armor, put the Scriptures before you all around wherever you live on sticky notes, find good worship CDs (Kari Jobe "Healer", Don Moen, Bob Fitz are all ones I've used) and hide yourself in the shadow of the Almighty. (Psalm 91:1)
Lord, I pray for this blogpost to reach out and touch someone who needs Your peace and the strength of Your Word right now. Thank You, for bringing me out of the depths once again and for helping me to have self-control. Thank You for healing me and protecting me, especially when I'm so weak. You are strong, You are mighty and You are faithful. I trust You to keep me in perfect peace and I ask that same peace would flow right now through the reader of this post. I love You, Lord. You are magnificent, gentle, loving, peaceful and holy. I accept Your peace, Your truth and Your healing into my mind and spirit now. In Jesus' Name, amen.
Blessings to you, friend, and may the peace of Christ rule your mind.
Monday, December 19, 2011
1st Term all done
So here I am on a Monday night, sitting on the couch after a fun day hanging out with friend, Carrie & her little boy.
I have seen more of my family and friends the last 4 days than in the past three months. It's shocking to me, I keep telling everyone, that I'm already done with my 1st term of law school. I feel like I'm barely even used to being at school again and yet, I'm done with one term and only have 6 more to go. Wow.
God is so very good. Through the past months I've been overwhelmed, stressed, happy, tired (don't have any trouble falling asleep these nights) and yet, He's so very constant.
I have been honored with being elected as the president of the Christian Legal Society at school too. Very cool. AND I had an opportunity to pray with 5 of my classmates before finals. Not because I offered but because they gathered round and asked me to. That is humbling.
I'm happy and blessed to be in this place at this time. It is right and good and hard and fun and crazy and awesome all at the same time.
I have seen more of my family and friends the last 4 days than in the past three months. It's shocking to me, I keep telling everyone, that I'm already done with my 1st term of law school. I feel like I'm barely even used to being at school again and yet, I'm done with one term and only have 6 more to go. Wow.
God is so very good. Through the past months I've been overwhelmed, stressed, happy, tired (don't have any trouble falling asleep these nights) and yet, He's so very constant.
I have been honored with being elected as the president of the Christian Legal Society at school too. Very cool. AND I had an opportunity to pray with 5 of my classmates before finals. Not because I offered but because they gathered round and asked me to. That is humbling.
I'm happy and blessed to be in this place at this time. It is right and good and hard and fun and crazy and awesome all at the same time.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Grrrrr....
I have to take this Intro to Law class for no credits which takes up 2 hours of my Tuesday night for which I have to stay on Tuesdays from 9am until 6pm when it starts during which I am supposed to learn wonderful things like how to complete a multiple choice exam, how to brief a case, how to make an outline, effective ways to study, how to write an essay, and more. [excuse the stream of consciousness]
It all sounds great. But this class gives me homework too which would be awesome if I could use some of my homework from the other classes but it really doesn't work like that even though it's supposed to. Hmph.
What I'd really like is for them to give me some hints & helpful hints in the beginning of class, then let me apply it while completing some of my homework, briefs, outlines, practice exams. Instead, I get overwhelmed by all the things they're telling us we have to know by the end of the term instead of giving me a chance to use it today.
There. I'm done. Thanks.
It all sounds great. But this class gives me homework too which would be awesome if I could use some of my homework from the other classes but it really doesn't work like that even though it's supposed to. Hmph.
What I'd really like is for them to give me some hints & helpful hints in the beginning of class, then let me apply it while completing some of my homework, briefs, outlines, practice exams. Instead, I get overwhelmed by all the things they're telling us we have to know by the end of the term instead of giving me a chance to use it today.
There. I'm done. Thanks.
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