Not out of sorts...much

So, my dear friend Jessie, said that I seemed out of sorts in the last blog and I suppose she's right.  It didn't bother me that I came across like that.  Well, honestly, it did a little bit because I want everyone to be happy with me, with how I'm doing, with how I'm affecting them at all times.  Turns out that's unrealistic.
Lately I've been learning that it's okay to give myself a break.  To allow myself to "feel" what I'm feeling as long as I'm not creating drama for someone else.  If I catch myself creating drama in someone else's life, then I know it's time to crawl back under my rock and wait for a better time. *picturing that made me chuckle*
It's okay that I don't accomplish everything on my list for today.  It's fine that I say "no" to an invite or two.  It's all right that I left dishes to do for tomorrow.  It's going to be okay if I decide not to go to law school in August after all.
I just don't want whatever I'm dealing with psychologically and personally to affect those around me.  I don't want to disappoint anyone or hurt them in any way.  But I'm often overwhelmed and sometimes even randomly feel like bursting into tears.  I don't want to answer my phone, I don't want to talk to anyone.  But sometimes I force myself to do it out of a sense of duty.  And then I feel bad that I felt it was a duty and that I should care more about people than about how I'm feeling.  Endless cycle...
Still, no matter what my body & mind are doing I have this incredible sense of peace and that I'm being cared for.  I'm not just saying this because I know you're reading it, but because I honestly know that I'm in the palm of Jesus my Savior's hand and I know that the plans He has for me are for my good (Jer. 29:11).  I sense His deep love for me through all of this and that lessens the imagined greatness of this burden to its rightful, puny, overcome-able size.  Thank You, Lord!
I had Mario pray over me tonight that I will actually and really let go of my personal plans and timeline.  Tonight I was ready to give up on some things I've been wanting for a long time (and it is not because of some very cool news I heard from a close friend though she may think so while reading this).  Tonight I feel like I can let go of it without giving up on it.  For months I've been unable to make that distinction, so that's why I had Mario pray over me. 
I'm moving on in my life, making choices to move out of this rut I've been in.  Focusing no longer on what I'm missing but rather on what's next in the exciting world God has put me in.  For I know that Mario & I touch lives that are on the edge, that need to know the meaning of Grace, that need to understand His deep love for each of us as individuals.  It's a message that only I can share and I want a renewed fire to share it.  This alone makes my little issues piddly.  So, tonight I choose to focus not on fatigue, weariness, disappoint and anxiety.  I choose God's victorious life, His grace over me, and His love through me.